I'm shaking.
She's staring at me with eyes full of innocent wonder without any thought of hiding it. I swallowed the lump forming in my throat.
"Hi," I almost stammered, my stolid face leaving no clue of the immense effort I've gathered just to utter that one word. For a fraction of a second she hesitated as if calculating if my half-hearted attempt to strike a conversation is worth answering.
"Ahm, hi din. Kumusta?" her attempt to smile failed miserably. I ought to be asking her the same question, how are you? What happened to your hair? Who is he..
"A-ayos naman, buhay pa sa awa ng Panginoon. Ikaw ba?" Doesn't she know that her presence alone even if at the far end of the Earth makes me uncomfortable? That until now, swept aside every pretense I have to make everyday, nothing has changed? Nothing should have changed. It could've ended differently; it could've ended just the same minus all of this regret of ever letting my emotions get the better of me.
"Ano?" I asked feigning that I haven't heard what she said, an unsatisfying revenge for doing the same to me a couple of months back, for making me look like a fool talking to her with a pair of headphones in her ear.
"Sabi ko ayos naman din, ahm, may itatanong ako sa'yo, ayos lang ba?" I risked looking at her, and boy, what a mistake! A fatal glance send me wheeling back a year ago, walking fast and straight as if in a hurry, which actually I am, as if we hadn't crossed paths. And a f*ck*ng mistake that I couldn't resist looking at her, for a split second our eyes met, then I quickly withdrew. Woah, a frail-looking, beautiful, godsend, innocent, graceful, unassuming, didn't-know-her-true-worth angel managed to intimidate me. Not bad for an indignant Warfreak who was at odds then with half of the school.
"Ui, may itatanong ako sa'yo, ayos lang ba?" her voice seemed to say. She's slightly pouting her lips, not good. I need to answer whatever question she might ask.
"Ah, ano, depende sa tanong." lame, lame, lame. She could guess by just looking at my eyes that I'm just buying time. Thinking… God Almighty! How many seconds had I stared at her! Have she noticed? Of course! She's also…staring.
"Nyeh." Disappointment? Definitely. What does she want to know? Only one way to find out.
"Sige na nga, ano ba yun?" I conceded. I braced myself, whatever question she might ask, I really don't have to answer...the truth. If only I can…
"Marami ka bang iniisip?" she asked suddenly, breaking my momentary reverie. An inquisitive look is evident on her face.
Woah, so nice of her to notice! Isn't it obvious, you idi-.. Whoops... "Bakit mo naman nasabi?" relax, she isn't a vampire from a long forgotten Twilight coven that can devour you or bite you and live with you forever. On second thought that isn't too bad, she can bite me for all I care provided that…
"Para kasing iba ka ngayon eh." she said, flicking a strand of her hair. That's it. Why is she doing this to me? Sure she noticed my uneasiness, but can't she see? That she's the f*ck*ng problem! That this f*ck*ng conversation is a sham, both of us pretending that nothing ever happened, that the shaky phone call last Christmas Eve a year ago was just a lie, a trick of an immature fourth year high school student and nothing else, that this blasted feeling is nothing…
"Hindi naman, marami lang akong pinoproblema sa ngayon," another of my lame cliches. At least it saved the conversation.
"Ah," she appears satisfied, and she kinda smiled. If I have a whole selection of lame cliches, she also has her own, "not-so-creative answers". A single word, a single expression. One that defies any effort to answer back.
"'Yun na ba yung tanong mo?" I asked, my voice laden with seventeen pounds of impatience and twenty-one pounds of sarcasm. I doubt if this will deter her. I won't mind if it doesn't either.
"Hindi eh, kasi, galit ka ba?" she asked in one breathe; apparently, I'm not the only tense person here. Oh great, yeah, to stare at me like that. Does she ever care for what I feel? Obvious answer is no, you know why? Because if she does care, she wouldn't be staring at me like that, taking my breathe away, baring myself to my soul before her eyes, making me fidgety...and the list goes on.
"Paanong galit?" I asked, creasing my forehead to appear interested. She's so lousy to talk with, if she's just being forced to continue this chit-chat, fine, same by me. If she's uninterested, then even if I'm not, I'll just pretend the feeling is mutual.
"Eh kasi, alam mo na." she said turning her eyes away, thank God. Good, so she did noticed. Noticed me looking untouched by their amateurish theatrical performances while my friends all smirked at me trying to wrest the tiniest bit of emotion from me in seeing her frolicking with him. Even if she looks. See how good I am in this?
"'Kaw din naman eh," I blurted out, in her face. She used to be the one who calls out first, and then when I look, she waves her hand and smiles. Now? Always the curious-I-don't-really-care look, no calls, no greeting. People do change. A lot.
"Ikaw kaya yung unang di namamansin," she reproached. Cut it out, my mind screaming at her, don't you dare assume I can't figure out how shallow that remorse is. She knows too well how egocentric I am, and she expects me to be the first? What happened then, 'friend'? Why the sudden shyness? Is it because of...December 24?
Sure I miss her like crazy, the intense emotional stress I'd done almost everyday on trying very hard not to be noticed stealing glances her way. The times I'd spent brooding, goading myself that the reason I'm being drawn to her is due to some kind of invisible, odorless and tasteless potion and not because of who she is, err, who she was. Conceited egocentric freak. The indifference whenever she passes by and the lukewarm reception whenever she's talking to me. See? I'm her better in acting, a stupid, dumb and unflinching bastard of an actor.
"Ganun," And there you have it! The most commonly used scapegoat of people suddenly lost of words. Her lips slightly puckered as if uncertain of what to say next. I have to give her credit for not being predictable, in a world full of predictable girls who like to spew memorized speeches quoted from cheapo koreanovelas, she's a rarity. Rare=special.
She started to stare at me, probing with those big brown eyes of her as if deciphering my face for any clue of what I'm thinking. Well, good luck with that, I managed to hide this for quite a long time from you. Good luck in reading a mask.
She continued to stare at me for quite a few seconds, and by Jove, isn't she the prettiest girl in the world! Her brown eyes, beaming, as if challenging me to retract what I've said or to say what I have in mind and her lips twitching as if she wanted to say something then quickly taken aback.
"Wala ka na bang klase?" she suddenly asked, taking me completely by surprise. Does she want me to leave? Why not, isn't it evident in the way she avoided you during the tumultuous days that followed the unsettling phone call. The cold, freezing, chilly stares. If only I'm not the cowardly childish average student that I am then, I might have talked to her. Explain everything. Tell her that this isn't my fault, more probably it's hers. Tell her that it's also very awkward with me. Tell her that she doesn't need to be drifty; nothing really has changed except now she knows what's behind everything. Tell her personally what I told her that night.
What should I say? That I still have classes to attend. That I'm probably late by now. So long, nice talking to you! Take care!
"Wala na eh, uwian na namin." Right. Just what I needed.
"Ganun ba, may gagawin ka pa ba? Mukha kasing nagmamadali ka eh." she persisted.
Grab the chance! Tell her that, however to your dismay, you really gotta go. That you volunteered for humanitarian aid to Haiti, that alien Klingons from Beta Prometheus have landed in Bocaue and is currently playing chess with Jedi Knights fresh from Yavin 4, that a monster with a crumpled horn devoured Sto. Niño Academy, that you're sick with a highly contagious disease, that a cat is about to eat your homework, any reason! Just get the hell out of here!
"Ano kasi, ahm, may alien?" Whaaaaaaat? Then she laughed. She. Laughed. God, if that isn't the sweetest thing I've heard, I don't know what is. I laughed along with her, only too aware of my face flushing red.
I really don't know what's so funny with my poorly-executed escape excuse, but there's something in her that makes me want to smile when she smiles and laugh when she laughs.
"Ano?" she asked, stifling a chuckle.
I sighed. It's time. She's diverting the discussion, she knows all along the cause of this unease from the start. The merriness left her face when she saw me sigh. Bracing herself for a frustrated lover's tirade.
"Alam mo ba kung bakit expressionless ang pagmumukha ko tuwing nakikita kita?" I asked, my voice eerily serious and uncompromising. She looked away and began to fiddle with her ID, not wanting to answer to my impromptu monologue.
"Kasi hindi ko alam kung ano ang gagawin. Kung ngingiti ba or sisismangot, kung babatiin ka ba or hindi." Is that my voice shaking? No, it can't be...
"Sa araw araw kasi na nakikita kita, kasama mo siya. Hindi ko alam kung dapat ba akong matuwa or mainis dahil laging natataon na nakikita ko kayo tuwing ginagawa niyo ang mga gawain na nakareserve sa mga mag-syota. Matagal ko nang natanggap na wala na talaga, pero ang gara eh," I choked, God, I'm doing it again. This f*ck*ng confounded throat is making all things obvious.
Still no response, I dragged my eyes away from her, focusing my eyes instead on a pair of lovers frolicking not far from us. Woah, philandering fools.
"Siguro mas mabuti na yung ganito, yung madalang na kitang nakikita or hindi nakakausap. Lagi na lang eh, a few weeks na 'di kita nakikita, tantananan! Naka-move on na ako! Then, bigla kang eentra, shit. It's like I'm falling for you all over again." If that sounds overly romantic, well, I have little choice. I have to find an outlet for this undisclosed sentiment. I allowed myself the luxury of an almost whispery chuckle, belittling the enormity of that fact. It's true, one moment I'm over her, then when I see her, everything gets back to normal. Normal huh. Makes me appreciate the abnormal comments I'm having whenever jester-ing.
Unintentionally, my hand brushed against hers when I tried adjusting my hand as leverage. I quickly took it back, but not too quick for me not to notice the softness of her hand, the warmth. Another long and melancholic sigh, this conversation has gone far enough.
"Eto lang, I'm very sorry sa lahat ng 'di pagkakaintindihan, lahat ng pantitrip," I couldn't help smiling at that,"lahat ng kasalanan ko sa'yo. Salamat na rin sa lahat," I couldn't managed myself to thank her for her friendship, that will be too much of a slap in the face for me.
“Siguro naman ngayon naniniwala ka na?” I couldn't help giving that one sarcastic comment. “Kung may problema ka, bahala ka na, hindi na kita matutulungan, I needed to be as far away from you as possible para someday, alam mo na, it’s not like you're not worthy to fall into with. You're just not,” my voice trailed, not wanting to continue the last phrase. You're just not meant for me even though you're supposedly perfect for me. Why? You're head perfectly fits on my shoulder and your…
I guess this is the end. In a brief flashback I saw the first time I noticed her, an uninteresting and average student who lives for friends with a somewhat cute face, then fast-forwarding the many scenes of a somewhat shallow camaraderie forged by commuting together, the few but memorable moments of confidential discussions, the friendship formed because of being friends with the same persons, the easing off ties with several infatuations and the slow attraction, the denial stage with several illogical justifications, the intensification of a feeling that is wrong from the start, the enduring stupidity, a secret double life, then December 24....
Wait, I'm forgetting something. I can't say it aloud. My chest heaved, maybe today is not the right time to add insult to injury. I don't even need to say it to her personally. Because what will happen if I do? Nothing. What will change? Nothing. Some things are better left unsaid.
"Archie…" What's in her voice? Sure it sounds sweet especially when she says my name, but there is something more. Pity? Regret? Helplessness?
I don't need to find out. Enough.
I stood up, "Sige mauna na ako." I managed to say, I can feel my whole body trembling, and my lips quivering. Before I leave, I looked at her for the last time (I hope), she's still fiddling with her ID with her head bowed down, not giving me any last chance to stare at her face. Well, that's better, I really don't need any look of nichevo-grade pity. With one last, great sigh, I started to walk as fast as I could. Tiny droplets of rain started to fall as if Heaven itself is lamenting with me while a gentle breeze lazily blowing against my face completed a totally romantic facade.
‘Mahal. Na. Mahal. Pa. Rin. Kita.” I uttered more to myself as I walked away; from a safe distance I know that she'll never hear me.
And that's how it ends.
So that's it? 2 years of enduring an unreciprocated-and-never-will-be affection and all to be ended with a conversation more fit for juveniles meeting for the first time.
Then I stopped. What will happen then? Nothing. Just the same old stuff again. Another could've-been memory to be added in my Hall of Regrets. For not being man enough and for going back against my word because I became afraid of the consequences during the first “having-it-out” confrontation. For letting a chance pass me by one time, wherein I could feel that I had a chance. For hanging up the phone before she could answer after pretty much repeating the first time I managed to build up enough guts to “have-it-out”.
What will happen next? What will her reaction be?
I don't need to find out. Enough.
Yeah right, so later on, after a few weeks, I will begin to gorge myself sick trying to think of all the permutations. Of another set of could've-beens. Of again thinking of the chance that just passed by.
I need to find out.
Back then, whenever she's around and I commit the mistake of turning back, I always swear to myself never to repeat that mistake.
Now I have to swear again.
I needed to be Pseudo-stupid this one time.
This time it will be different.
I turned back.
And she's-
